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Rumors(cont.) Please not that (24-28) and (34-41) and (53-57) and (66-71) have vanished
Rumor 1: That Brett Myers has been secretly betting on games in which the Puppets are playing, and may jeopardize his opportunity to join the Elk Grove Softball Hall of Fame.
Rumor 2: Joe Bush has declared himself an unrestricted free agent, and is shopping himself all over the league.
Rumor 3: That McNally wears girls underwear during softball games, and that is why he is so emotional.
Rumor 4: Pinegar and Myers are moving to Florida to fulfill childhood dreams of becoming exotic dancers.
Rumor 5: That Jared Shamblin has an eating disorder, and thats why he's always in the bathroom.
Rumor 6: That Bryan and Brad got really wasted one night and kissed, while Kurt recorded it.(Tape available on Ebay)
Rumor 7: That during a game last season, while catching Brett was looking up the umps shorts.
Rumor 8: That GM Joes arms and legs are exactly the same length. However his penis is also the same length as his pinky finger.
Rumor 9: Brett Myers will be a back up dancer for Justin Timberlakes Justified tour.
Rumor 10: That Pat never went to Yale, he actually goes to Harper.
Rumor 11: The Hit Dog was one of the strays who attacked the Joggers in the Dan Ryan Woods.
12.That Jared hates dairy products so much because he was breast fed until high school.
13.That ABC is discussing a Space Puppets Mole series to air in the spring.
14.Puppets sources believe that Joe is a mormon and Becky is not his only wife.
15.That Tomaino is currently living in the Cunninghams backyard, and now refers to Aaron as Potsey.
16.)That Jared is from Transylvania not Bourbanais, and that is why he all those guys have holes in their necks.
17.) That Pat buys cereal based on the toy inside the box not the content.
18.)That Aaron is actually a secret member of the Al-Queda forces, and his next target might be the softball fields in Elk Grove.
19.)Jared and Buck write poems to each other and read them before going to bed.
20.) Bryan and Brad are not brothers, they just looked so much alike they decided to live together.
21.) That when Kurt gets mad, he hits old ladies with his wooden bat.
22.) That Brett stumbled upon a magic lantern doing one of his three step sprints, received three wishes, and wished that Jared never get with a girl again.
23.) That Joe Bush is the stunt double for Malcom from Malcom in the Middle, he also does some work for Webster.
29.) That there is no such place as heaven, and Jared has known all along.
30.) That to cheer Bryan up, Brad bought him two new thongs.
31.) That Jared's Dad really doesn't own his own insurance company, he runs a lawn care business with Deotis.
32.) That Kurt got crabs in the first semester, and Pat was complaining of constant itching in the second semester.
33.) That Becky thinks about Brett when she is with Joe, and Joe thinks about Bieske.
42.)That Shamblin auditioned for American Idol, but quit because Clay was so intimidating.
43.)That McNally is threatening to Kidnapp Cullen in exchange for some extra hits.
44.)That if you grab a horse by the nuts and pull, he won't like it.
45.)That Brad will be riding funny cide this weekend, when he goes for the Triple Crown.
46.)That Ben's girlfriend got her license, and no longer needs a ride to her friends house.
47.)That Nintendo wanted to create a Super Mario Bros. 5 but Joey B. said no.
48.) That Brett Lettenbergers nickname in High School was Cheeeeezzz.
49.) That everyone hated Miss Kelly, with the exception of Brett who was intimidated by her.
50.) That Pat and the powder your nose guy went to Dairy Queen after the game two weeks ago and reconciled their differences.
51.) That Joe Tomaino was the original Charles in Charge, but was ill when the production began and Scott Bao got the gig.
52.) That Brad is checking into Paradise Hotel, and somebody else is checking out.
58.) That Jared's Girlfriend Angie is going to be the manager at the Krusty Burger in Chicago.
59.) That Kenny is really an Eagle spy infiltrating the Dominican program.
60.) That Brett and Ben have grown apart since Andrea came into the picture, and they never cuddle anymore.
61.) That NBC is expected to launch a Puppet Fear Factor this year, and MTV will have a new couple on Newlyweds next year, Andrea and Brett.
62.) That Kurt, Brad, Bryan, and Pat, dressed up as the cast from What's Happening Now for halloween.
63.) That Andy replaced Brett in his circle of friends, with a bum named Bart, because they looked alike, but the bum doesn't drool as much.
64.) That Jared has been out of college for five months, and still doesn't have a job, unless you count pleasing yourself as an occupation.
65.) That Kenny said if we were all stuck on an Island together, and we had to kill someone off to survive, that he would kill Bush.
72.) That Bush stole his haircut from the black kid on the Life Cereal Box.
73.) That McNally thought all dentist make you take your clothes off before a check-up, and sit in the chair with you.
74.) That Brett's Love is so toxic, its so toxic.
75.) That Ben's ankle injury may affect his 4.4 40 time.
76.) That Winnie the Pooh never wears pants, because he is trying to catch Christopher Robbins
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81.) That Brett attended Don Beebe's speed camp over the winter, and his hardwork is paying off.
82.) That the tapes of the tortured Iraqi prisoners were actually old VHS tapes of Jared's family Christmas Party's.
83.) That Telemundo will run a spin off to the popular sitcom "Friends", it will be called "Amigos."
84.) That Brad and Bryan were offered the roles in the film "A New York Minute" but declined the job to shoot a swimsuit edition of each other.
85.) That Joe and Becky sleep on bunk beds.
86.) That McNally is really over a 100 years old, he just drank from some astranged fountain and recaptured his youth.
87.) In order to sort out the confusion Brad and Bryan will get different haircuts, Bryan will go with the perm, and Brad pig tales.
88.) That Brett Myers will be married by fall of 2005, the lucky gentleman still has not been selected.
89.) That KFC's extra crispy chicken, is just the original recipe with extra skin. | attention.
90.) That Kurt threw up, because he was recalling a night with a transvestite.
91.) That after McNally ran face first into the first basemens ass, the guy gave Jimmy his number.
92.) That Lettenberg is really a hobbit from the Lord of The Rings Trilogy.
93.) That after the game Myers ran through two more stop signs on the ride home.
94.) That as the weather heats up, so does Bretts bat.
95.) That Brad and Bryan missed the game, because they were out all night at a Prince concert.
96.) That Kurts friend Greg is Jareds long lost twin brother.
97.) That Joe Bush grew two inches this year, and now can ride every ride at Great America.
98.) That Kurts lady friend had an eye for Puppet catcher Mr. Myers.
99.) That Kurt also has an eye for Puppet catcher Mr. Myers.
100.) That Andy must have a lot of free time on his hands, since he was able to create a hundred stupid rumors.
RUMORS PART II
101.) That Bryan was born a manican, and one day Brad brought him to life by kissing him.
102.) That Kurt lost his wooden bat so he now strikes old ladies with a bowling pin.
103.) That Jimmy is really deaf, and that is why he never looks at you when you are talking to him.
104.) That Ben was once caught masturbating to Ghostbusters 2.
105.) That after thoroughly examing Jimmy's rectum, the doctor told him that he just had shoulder tendinitis.
106.) That on a dare, Jared touched dog poo, however on the double dare Brett had to eat it.
107.) That Pat roller skates around the Yale campus when his pogo stick is broken.
108.) That on a dare, Jared had to touch a monkeys butt, however on the double dare Brett had to finger it.
109.) That for part time work, Jared will pose as an anorexic scare crow for his Grandpa's farm.
110.) That Kurts brother swallowed his tongue, and that is why he never talks.
111.) That since Jared's sister married an african-american, that his family can now seek reparations.
112.) That Jimmy's job consist of sitting around and making buildings with an etch a sketch toy.
113.) That the national weather service will begin naming hurricanes after the Puppet players.
114.) That Ben will be starring in a broadway play this year, CATS.
115.) That Brett Myers was accused of sexually assaulting Chester Cheetah, and the police found orange stains all over his hands and other extremeties.
116.) That Ken Trendel is leaving Dominican University to become the manager at Tire World.
117.) That Oprah's big secret was that Brett Myers is now a vegetarian.
118.) That Jared's family will be celebrating Kwanza this year, and Ben's family will be celebrating Festivus.
119.) That Joey B.'s surgically removed testicle was planted in the ground, and a small leperachaun type figure sprouted up.
120.) That due to complications, neither Joey or the Leperachaun are able to get an erection.
121.) That Bretts thighs stick together because he ate a lot of glue when he was younger.
122.) That Brad and Bryan are partnering up to go on Super Market Sweep.
123.) That Kurt sold the rights to his voice to On Star, but not the rights to the bowling pin.
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Quick Hits
As the Puppets prepare to enter their third season, here are some of the major questions looming in the clubhouse.
*How does Tigger bounce on his tale?
*Are the twins bilingual or bisexual?
*Do Kenny and Jared combined weigh more than a case of pop?
*Should we be organ donors or sperm donors?
*Does anyone know what happened to Aaron?
*Did Joey B. really ride to a game on the back of Aaron's bike?
*Does Andy really have a job?
*If yes, who is stupid enough to hire him?
*Will certain people still pull down teammates pants, or have we all grown up?
*Did Joey B. and Bieske really shower together in college?
*Is Brett jealous about Christi Wysacki getting married?
*Will the Puppets ever pull it together, or will they continue be a sub .500 team?
*If Jared had to pick one Puppet to help repopulate the earth with his sister, who would he choose?(please note that nobody is not a choice)
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How To Become A Puppets Valentine!
Many people today disregard the importance of the most romantic holiday that exist in our culture. Though some see Valentines Day as a Hallmark holiday with no substantial background, those are the same people who eat chocolate bunnies in honor of Christs ressurection. As a team the Puppets find Valentines Day as a day in which love one's express gratitude for commitment, and acceptance. Each person celebrates the 14th differently, here in Puppetland, we our traditionalist who exchange Valentines, eat chocolate, and most important of all feast off the emotions in order to get girls into bed. However we understand that many hearts will be broken, and some not even touched, so we came up with a list of ways to get yourself a Valentine. So girls get out a pen, because here are 5 suggestions from the Puppets to capture yourself a Valentine.
1.) Wear less clothing. We recognize its winter, but replace that sweater with a bikini top, and you can get any card you want from us.
2.) It is said that nobody likes a show-off, we dispute that, if you give the best head in three counties, prove it.
3.)Many girls tend to babble when they talk, here is an easy statement to be used as your intro that will surely grasp you a Valentine: Hi my name is ___________, did I mention I am on the pill.
4.) Another sure fire way to net your Marlin is often the road less travelled, but still very effective. Threesomes, this mythical dream is every mans hope, try and bring a guy, and it quickly becomes a nightmare.
5.)Ladies, nobody likes the good girl, so stop selling the cookies, and start selling yourself, easy girls are often the most successful. Don't listen to your friends, sleeping with someone on the first date may make you feel like a slut but the number of dates will increase.
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What I Learned In College
My tenure in College can be summarized in various ways, but the one that best fits would have to be long. The United States was able to have a Civil War in a shorter time than it took me to fulfill my prerequisites. I survived two Presidents, a recount, and the worst tragedy the United States has felt since Pearl Harbor. Many of us take what we have for granted, it took me half a decade to assemble 120 credit hours, and 16 weeks of student teaching. When I think about college, I don't remember the classes, as much as I remember the moments I experienced just being there. Here are a list of things that I learned, and I would like current students to keep in mind:
1. Despite what you think, Playstation is not the greatest invention.
2. That if I spent more time studying and less time playing college football, than I would remember important names, not fake names from a dynasty.
3. No matter what I heard, pulling out is not as effective as wearing a rubber.
4. You can't make a difference if you never leave your room.
5. Sleeping with random girls is not cool, just plain stupid. Life is a game of percentages, not every girl has a disease, but 20% do, and every partner you have, you increase your chances.
6. That basketball is just a game, and it is suppose to be fun, but when its gone its gone, and you can't achieve all of your dreams in one night.
7. Regardless of what you hear, there is no such thing as a wrong decision. Whatever you choose, maybe right for you but not for someone else. That doesn't make you wrong, it doesn't make you right, it just defines you as a person.
8. Don't burn to many bridges, because if your not careful, you won't have anywhere to cross.
9. Do everything stupid that you have ever dreamed of doing while in college, because it is easier to plead immaturity in college, than insanity as an adult.
10. When choosing your path, choose wisely, don't pick a future for anyone but yourself, because you have to live your life they don't.
11. Always be responsible, don't run from your mistakes, because once you start running you never stop.
12. Be able to wake up in the morning look in the mirror and not shake your head.
13. Life only sucks if you let it.
14. Nothing is just given to you, if you really want something, you will have to work for it.
College is the greatest experience you will ever have. It allows you the opportunity to evolve into your own person, and have fun while doing so. Here is a fact, after college you will not be able to sit around with your friends everyday. Enjoy it while your there, because it will be fastest four years of your life, or in my case five.
Puppets make no Deals as Trade Deadline Passes.
For the second consecutive year the Puppets stayed the same, and made no moves. Last season the Puppets contemplated moving Aaron and Chura, but decided to hold off on any deals. Chura was very hard to move because of his big salary and big mouth. Though they came close twice, the Puppets backed off because the other teams demanded that the Puppets throw in a muzzle and a bottle of hair dye. With the Puppets already in a whole following Myers knee injury, they could only meet one of the two demands. With Chura safe at home, the Puppets thought for sure that they would be able to move Aaron. I mean who wouldn't want a switch hitting short center for a pennant chase. Negotiations fell through when people saw his bike. This season the Puppets have made no offers, but they have listened to few. Bacon attempted to acquire Bush earlier in the season, hoping he would invite the team to the wedding where they could take full advantage of the open bar. But when the wedding passed, Joes stock dropped significantly. The only other offer made was for Trendel's mouth. The teams figured that if we was on their team that he would shut up and let them play. However after watching a Puppet game, they realized Trendel talks shit to his own teammates as well.
NFL Football
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FUN FACTS AND NUMBERS!
1.) 374: why that number is important is simple, it is the number of days Jared has gone without sex.
2.) 5.5: Though it may appear to have no significance it does, this number represents the number of girls Brett has hooked up with in the past month. One girl was rather bulky, earning a composite of 1.5.
3.)1: The number one could symbolize our goal for next season, however its true meaning is the number of Puppets who could get divorced.
4.) 43: Number of minutes I have seen Kenny since school started. Also the number of times McNally has sex in a week.
5.) 1,623: This is a rather large figure, and one may guess it is the combined weight of the Puppets. Those guesses would be false, it actually is the combined number of jokes made about Jared's sister in the past year.
6.)17.798: This is the average age of Ben's last four lady friends. Lucky for him the State rounds up.
7.) 1: The number of girls who have thrown up in Jared's room in November, also the number of testicles Joe Bush has had removed.
8.) 9: This is the number of times I shook my head after Ben and Brett said they may move to Florida, because the Ski Dog could do some serious damage.
9.) 3.43: Though everyone says I can be mean, this number shows my soft side. This is the number of mean things I think about, but don't say to people everyday.
10.) 4.25 inches: The significance of this number is simple, the distance Joe's one testicle hangs from the ground.
11.)2.4: This number indicates the amount of time in which Brett can hold his train of thought.
12.)53: Aside from being Cliff Levingstons number, the number 53 indicates the number of years Phil has taken off his life by smoking. So Phil should be do to die in the next few years, everyone keep their eyes open for a new leftfielder.
13.)1,604.3: One may see this figure as the total number of hours we have watched porn this year. However it is really the number of times Andy has pulled down your pants. In a related story, it is the same number of times Jared has been excited when we are around.
14.)20: This figure symbolizes the combined weight of the twins at birth, later they weighed the rest of their bodies.
15.)19: At first glance one may think this symbolizes the number of times the Puppets beat off per day, however it is the number of air balls Armando has shot this season for Davis-Shields 8th grade team.
16.) 5: This is the total number of wins by the Davis-Shields 8th grade hoops team. Also the number of blind schools we have played.
17.)13: Many see this as an unlucky number, Jared however sees this as the number of times Brett has worn his underwear.
18.) 3: The number of times I hit the snooze button before awakening to the exciting life of a school teacher. God I hate teaching.
19.) 2.5: Though decimals can be somewhat intimidating to some, this decimal represents the amount of sleep I anticipate getting after the baby is born.
20.) 3.5, This number symbolizes the consecutive minutes Angie laughed after seeing Jared's penis for the first time.
21.) 11, The number to the left is quite repulsive, this is the number of times Cullen has dropped one of the Three P's on me: Poo, puke, and pee.
22.) 274.23, One may see this number as the number of times we have been called idiots, but this number is amount of times Brett tells Andrea he loves her everyday.
23.) 2.54 million, this is a rough estimation of how may burgers the Hamburgler has stolen over the years.
24.) 2.54 million, coincidentally it is the same number of wrappers Grimise has had shoved in his ass.
25.) 8: The amount of points the 8th Grade b-ball team at my school will average this season. 26.)71.25: This is the number of animals in the zoo that have had sex more times than Jared this year.*And I am not even counting the Primate house. 27.) 1: This number indicates the number of Puppets who would sleep with their boss. I think we all know who that is!
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McNally Is Activated Following Successful Surgery.
Jim McNally is preparing to rejoin the Puppets line-up after an extended absence do to testicle retrieval surgery. McNally was blasted with a nasty mule kick while visiting a petting zoo with Pinegar. The blast placed the testicle in McNally's stomach giving him a second belly button. Jim was just glad that the lost marble found its way back to the sack. |
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