Archives Part II

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I BELIEVE...

In honor of the ESPN page 2 article, I decided to put a nice Puppet twist on it, and see what it is the Puppets actually believe. Though some may not agree with it, I think everyone will love it, because when it comes to the Puppets, this is what I truly believe.

Part I

I Believe that Joe Bush really has only one testicle.
I Believe that Brett Myers did not smear poop on our wall.
I Believe that Pat and Kurt are not guy, just very affectionate towards each other.
I Believe that Ben is everything that Brett is looking for in a girl.
I Believe any girl who tells me she is a virgin.
I also Believe that it is my job as a man to make sure she can never say it again.
I Believe Michael Jackson liked Robin more than Batman.
I Believe Jared's brother in law is one of the bucket boys.

Part II

I believe Brett Myers models his game around Geena Davis' character from "A League Of Their Own."
I believe that deep down inside, Kenny really dislikes Jewish People.
I believe that Jared still wears the one zip pajama's that cover your feet.
I believe that Ben is 1/16 Japanese.
I believe that the people in Elk Grove think we should be sponsored by a school for the mentally disabled.
I believe Brad's parents like Bryan just a little bit more.
I believe that Kurts brother never talks, cause he once saw Joe Bush in a thong competition.
I believe that Brett's non-sexual crushes are part of growing up, and Ben should be flattered.
I believe that Jared fantasizes about Buck in his shoes.

Part III

I believe that Kurt is extremely racist, and does not talk to Pat when he is very tan.
I believe that Jared likes Sorbet over icecream, and masturbating over sex.
I believe that McNally enjoys playing strip poker with John Carrol and Greg Klein.
I believe that Pat and Kurt really want to get into McNally's card games.
I believe that Elvis is not dead, that his spirit lives deep down in the heart of Brett Myers.
I believe that Ben does not run all those clubs for YMCA, that he is actually just a member.

Part IV

I believe in God, but recognize that he is not a Puppet fan.
I believe that John K. has the perfect voice for infomercials.
I believe that Ben needed to use a tampon to control his explosive diariah.
I believe that Jared will never have sex again.
I believe Brett urinated on his hands before last game, and that is why he hit so well.
I believe the umpires make jokes about our Mom's to each other after games.
I believe Kenny wears a gorilla suit while having intercouse, hence the name the beastmaster.

I never said that it is true, I am just saying what I believe. Don't be offended, maybe it is true and you just haven't realized it yet. Or even scarier maybe, you just don't want to admit it.

UPON FURTHER REVIEW...

Each day we wake up, get dressed, unless we are showering, than we dry off, then get dressed and go to work. Part of me wonders how much we enjoy what we are doing at work. So from this idea came my thought, what else could we be doing. For example if Jimmy was getting his Boss his coffee everyday, what would he be doing. So I will give one suggestion for each person to start a new career.

Jimmy McNally: Jimmy supposedly works for an engineering company that is based out of Oak Brook. If you ask me, it sounds like a glorified park district art program. They may not see the potential in Jimmy, but we here in the land of the Puppets do. Though Jimmy worked hard to earn his engineering/fingerpainting degree from Benedictine, that doesn't mean he has to do it. I polled 100 people who knew McNally( only seven had ever spoken to him) about job possibilities for boy wonder, and here are the following results.

Tollbooth Attendant: Since Jimmy has never been very fond of speaking to people, one person saw this as an ideal position. Jimmy has already mastered the ability of never smiling, and scowling at passers by, so why not get paid to do so.

Rhino-Fister: This is a very unique trait mastered only by a few. It is the art in which you directly place your fist into a rhinos rear, until you strike the colon. Why doe Jimmy fit this position? Only because his lady like wrists are the only size wrist that can fit without causing the rhino discomfort. Plus since he never talks, he won't be able to complain to the next person who takes the position, Jared.

Ben Pinegar: Ben is currently employed by the Naperville YMCA. His actual position I believe is camp coordinator, which is just fancy language for Indian Guides instructor. Now there is no denying Benjamins ability to coordinate, whether it be with clothes or children, or just children without clothes. So when reading the surveys, I was glad to see that everyone kept Ben's leadership skills in mind. So after surveying 100 people about Ben Pinegars potential here is what I came up with....

Aerobics Instructor: Now all of us who know Ben, are familiar with his passion for not only gymastics, but for aerobics. Keeping this in mind, and Ben's leadership skills, who better to help the portly women sweat there way back into shape than Pinegar. Not to mention the fabulous leatard/leg warmer combo he has been dying to bust out.

Midwive: Each year women fight through traffic to get to the hospital in order to have their child delivered. A main reason why this happens is the lack of midwives present in the Chicagoland area. I mean who remembers Ben helping to deliver Melissa's terribly malnutritioned child. For one thing, he has the hands of a surgeon according to Brett, and the patience of a saint, also according to Brett. So one avenue for Ben to pursue is the coaching of pregnant women.

The Bratwurst: Every season, the Brewers host tryouts to see who will wear the sausage costumes for the coveted sausage race. Now some say why the brat, why not something else. It's simple, Kenny's girlfriend is the hot dog, and there is no way in hell he could fit in the other costumes. Ben has long been enamored with the beauty and scent of the brat, so who better to become one. Not to mention is cat like instincts allow him to pounce on his surrounding prey. Oh and lets not forget, he is no stranger to the area from his days with Kristin, and her messed up brother who painted flames on his shoes.

Brett Myers: Everyone knows someone like Brett, whether its at their work, at home, or even just in passing. The Ski Dog as he prefers to be called is very similar to many, but to the ones who know him best, quite unique. Brett currently works for an agency that stares at houses, and sometimes even humps them. He was once an organ transporter, who lost his position, when he would throw them at cars passing by. I polled one hundred loyal Puppet fans, and Brett Myers these are the futures they chose for you.

Phys. Ed Teacher: Though it is not written on the application, it is universally accepted, that if you want this position, your character must be questionable. Under this unwritten law, you must be out of shape, out of your mind, and be able to watch young males shower. So who better to hold this position than the man who despises exercise the most. The man who tells people to take two laps, while he drinks two cups of coffee. Aside from that, can you imagine Brett with a whistle, short shorts, and a criminal record that would soon follow. I don't know about you, but I can already hear him now "Great job today fellas, lets get'em wet."

Prostitute: For anyone who was lucky enough to know Brett in college, you were also lucky enough to witness him whoring himself around to girls. You name them, and Brett probably slept with them, and if they had no prostetic limbs, he probably slept with them twice. Bald or small, Black-white-asian-hell I even think he had sex with a few guys. So why not get paid for sleeping with every creature that lacks common sense. Brett Myers at one time in his life was known as Dr. Pleasure, and with a name like that, sex sells.

Streetwise Salesman: It may seem like a stretch, but there is no other person in the world who has the ability to sell newspapers than Brett. Imagine Brett in a suit with the local edition of Streetwise, dodging traffic, and getting all of his fellow african soulmates caught up on their Black news. The only major setback, is Brett's inability to avoid oncoming traffic, and his slight disability with deciphering colors such as red and green.

Person To Have Affair With Jared's Sister: Take away Bretts inability to hold an erection or a thought, and Brett is overly qualified for this position. Who better to put the wood to Kerri, than the man who used to sleep with Ali San and pretend it was Jared's sister. Though Jared may not like this, someones got to put some milk in that coffee, and Brett is the one.